True Colors

Its amazing how you think you know someone. How you can share all of your hopes, secrets and innermost thoughts. You honestly believe you truly know this person. You see their faults but love and accept them anyway. This can be a friend or even a lover. I think it feels more like a betrayal when you were naked at the time but that's my opinion Recently I finally had to accept someone for who they really were. Oddly enough it didn't hurt as much as I imagined it would. For the first time I finally have peace and I accept that sometimes you can't save everyone. Which sucks because sometimes you wish you could speed things up and push someone into a volcano. Which is frowned upon and because of karma I don't do it. I may dream about it but alas I don't do it. Truth be told I am finally happy. Which by the way makes me reevaluate all of my past decisions. I have made some hideous choices. I recently had a friend tell me "your taste in men really sucks and well your taste in women sucks too." I have to be honest I have dated and slept with some major fixer uppers. I am still not sure what in the hell I was thinking. I plan on telling my daughter that this is exactly why you shouldn't ever take up drinking. I plan on blaming some of my past on alcohol. This is why I will never be a parenting expert. I plan on being honest with her. I had the ultimate slap in the face recently. I heard from my addiction by the way I am happy to say I haven't caved. Mainly because well I know I deserve better. I don't want my daughter to think its ok for someone to treat you like less than you deserve. Personally I feel like I am worth at least a Bentley and a couture fitting. I don't deserve someone asking me to be the person they want to cheat on their girlfriend with. What does that say about me? That there was a time when I was so desperate for approval from someone that I disregarded who I was and how I felt. That and I am apparently pretty good in bed. Oddly enough several people from my past have popped up. Weird how being happy sends out a signal and people come out of the woodwork to bring you down. In fact I recently learned an ex lied about when their birth day is. Not by a lot but by less than two weeks. Who does that? So know I am going to ask the universe to let me please have my dignity back. Mainly because now I am horrified that I did a lot of morally wrong things to someone on his birthday when it wasn't even his freaking birthday. Part of me wishes I could tell him the truth I didn't even put all of my effort in it. In fact sometimes I was bored during the act and thought what the hell am I doing. It is amazing what time heals. I am going to continue moving on being something my exes have yet to achieve and that's happiness. The best revenge is to live well. I plan on truly enjoying decadence. I hope someone else continues to enjoy their vanilla ice cream. My past is no longer my future.

My Solution To Teen Pregnancy

Everyone has a solution and truth be told some of them seem unrealistic to me. I am realistic enough to accept the fact that kids will always have babies before they are ready. Hell I know several people over the age of 21 who have no business having children but they do.Worse yet they are married and everything society says makes good parents and they end up being crappy parents. I am still shocked the hospital let me bring my daughter home.I am 35 and still think what the hell am I doing on a regular basis. So I can only imagine what it is like for a 14 year old girl who doesn't even know who she is as a person yet. Sorry but until you are 30 you really have no clue who you are as a person. Your views change and quite frankly you have no life experience. Plus when mommy and daddy are financing you.. you have no clue what choices you will make to support yourself. My daughter kicks my ass on a regular basis. She has left me completely baffled on what to do. I would like to think the sleep deprivation is how she manages to leave me stumped. I just can't accept the fact that she is smarter than me. The scary part is I thought I knew what I was getting into. All I can is I was not in any way prepared. So I will warn my daughter to stay a way from hot men and Jaeger. I plan on teaching her about birth control because well it seems dumb not to. Plus it seems pretty obvious that she is going to know that I had sex before I was married. I am not even going to attempt to hide that because its a waste of time. Most importantly I am a horrible liar. So my plan is for when she is about 12 is to borrow a baby at least every six months for a minimum of four hours. Truth be told the doll that schools lend out just doesn't cut it for me. It seems easy compared to an actual baby. By the way she won't be babysitting just any baby but one that got shots the day before. I want her to experience the worst time to be around a baby. There is nothing worse than a cranky miserable baby. The day after shots makes me wonder what in the hell was I thinking. I seriously consider shooting myself. It is the hardest day. It is almost impossible to make them happy. I honestly believe there will be a few less babies having babies if we take the glamour out of it. It isn't fun being a parent. It is a whole lot of work and if you think you know how much is involved beforehand. Not to sound like an old person but you're wrong its more work than you ever thought possible. I am also going to tell my daughter not to even waste her time having sex while she is in junior high or high school. Truth be told boys don't even know what they are doing at the age.Most importantly they don't care if you are actually enjoying it. The only good part about boys at that age is its over before you know what even happened. So is changing all of your hopes and dreams really worth two minutes of your day. I hope my daughter doesn't make me a grandmother until after she has graduated medical school. I honestly believe that most of these girls have babies way too soon because they want unconditional love. Which is unfair and a burden no one should be born with. It is a parents job to give to unconditional love not an innocent baby.

My Biggest Fear..

has happened. I have become all of the things I said I would never be. No one can ever prepare you for all of the changes a baby will bring into your life. I knew chosing to become a mom would be a major lifestyle change. The moment I found out I was pregnant I began to change as a person. In an instant everything in my universe changed. The weird part is you don't even question it or look back. Now that she's here I don't have time to look back. I am lucky to be dressed in matching clothes and brush my teeth two hours after I get out of bed. While I was pregnant I never thought I would be this person. Truth be told I never imagined my life would become so boring. The crazy part is I don't even really miss my old life. I do however miss sleep. I miss being able to hit the snooze button. I really miss being able to lay in bed all day and read. MT will have no part of that she tells me to get my lazy butt out of bed and cater to her. Before MT was born I had what I am told were the craziest fears. I was terrified that she would hate me. No one could convince me otherwise. I knew that her dislike for me was going to mean that we would never bond. That she would then be scarred for life and grow up to be a serial killer. People were going to blame because after all it's always the mother's fault. Especially considering my daughter's DNA donor isn't in the picture. Which gave me another fear that my daughter was going to grow up to become everything that Republican's say about single mom's. Even though I am not on welfare. I realize that none of these things even are remotely logical. I can even laugh at how out there I was. My daughter and I have bonded and so far she doesn't hate me. I accept the fact that in about 14 years I will be the enemy. That I will be ruining her life when I tell her no. In the meantime I am enjoying my daughter. Hearing her laugh makes my day. All day at work I countdown till I can see her. Trust me there's nothing better than seeing your baby at the end of the day. One smile means your entire day of working your ass off is worth it.

The Place I Never Thought I Would Be

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would wind up being a single mom. Worse yet that my daughter's father wouldn't be in the picture at all. Truth be told I refer to him as either Mr. Wonderful or her DNA Donor. We were never really together just having fun.

That fun turned into quite the surprise. I have to admit she is absolutely gorgeous though. Every time I look at her.. I am in total awe. Seriously what started off the size of a pea became my Monkey Toes. A nickname she will kill me for someday.

I actually don't hate him for choosing not to be in our lives. I honestly have no desire to have a relationship with him. We have a child together and that's enough for me. Plus I don't need a man in my life to define me. I hope Monkey Toes inherits that feeling.

He has chosen to walk a way and know absolutely nothing about us. In fact he doesn't even know we have a daughter. He just knows I had my baby. I didn't feel like he deserved to know. If he wants to know anything then he's going to have to ask. Maybe that makes me a bi**h. I am not really sure I care what he thinks.

The part that hurts is someday she will know he never wanted her. I hate that for her. I realize one day she will ask about him. I am going to have explain to her that he wasn't in a place to be a part of her life. That he did the best thing for her and stayed a way. Plus she has an amazing godfather who loves her as much as any biological father could. She has Guncles who will always be there and love her.

So now I am a single mother trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. Do I go after him for child support? Right now I am trying to do what is best for her. I have to financially support her and have no clue how I am going to pay all of her bills. All I know is that I will do it because I have to. Most importantly I want to give her the world.

Being Objectified

Seriously I never believed any of the warnings when people first found out I was pregnant. I have no one but myself to blame for the slap in the face I received. I really didn't believe there was a lot of men out there with a pregnancy fetish.

The moment I started to show the pervert fest began. Don't get me wrong I have been hit on before. This was just a whole new level and all of these guys were crude. They would say things that made my skin crawl. My personal favorite was some guy who I didn't know and didn't want to know.

He wasn't original from what I have learned and well that is even scarier to me. I hope you are sitting down. He told me "It was his birthday and there was nothing hotter than being able to drop his load over someone else's kid." I almost threw up. All I could think is I hope you are on drugs. How could he think that line would work?

Seriously.. in what alternate universe did he think that would work in. The part that scares me is somewhere out there his line has worked. Maybe he assumed I would be so flattered I would say "yes please do." I honestly have no clue what he was thinking. Truth be told I don't really care.

The second runner up was " I just want to rub lotion all over your stomach and lick it off." Ick I am still not really sure why that made the guy so excited. Then again most the time I really don't get men. I will never understand why anyone would think it's ok to say these things to a total stranger. Needless to say both men were disappointed and shocked when I declined their classy advances. Seriously I was pregnant not brain dead.

What no one prepared me for is the guys who look at you like you're piece of meat when you are out with your baby. Who knew so many guys would have a mom fetish. Then again I will never understand the people who like to call their flavor of the moment daddy. Sorry but that one is weird to me.

The first time a guy looked at me like I was a piece of meat post baby was at Costco. I was walking around with my daughter and giving her a bottle. So really there was nothing remotely hot about what I was doing. I have to admit it through me off. Part of me wanted to thank him. Another part of me wanted to ask him if he was looking at me or my kid.

I know that sounds awful but there are some sick people out there. My mind now goes places its never been. I hope it was me because I'd hate to have to hurt someone for looking at my daughter already. So I am officially starting a new chapter as the one thing I never thought I would be referred to as a MILF.

The Baby Ban

I hate to say this but lately it seems like there is an antibaby movement. I get that no one enjoys hearing a crying baby. Trust me I don't like hearing my baby cry. In fact I work my errands around her schedule and mood. We are probably more considerate that the childless people who are making establishments baby free.

I get that people want to enjoy their dinner on a night out... so do I.In fact I do everything in my power not to annoy everyone around us. I go out of my way to be a people pleaser. I accept the fact that some people don't like babies. Which I find weird considering the fact that everyone starts off as a baby.

I am going to be honest I am sick to death of people giving me dirty looks as I leave stores when my baby is crying. I am leaving because she is unhappy so seriously let it go. So I have decided that I can go along with the baby ban if certain criteria is met.

The baby hater group has to stop acting like giant babies in public. I understand that you decided not to have children. Guess what I don't care just like you don't care that I decided to have a child. If you want to judge my baby for things she can't help then I would like you to act appropriately in public.

This means not bitching about everything under the sun when you leave the house. When you need to get past someone say "Excuse me." Don't shove your way past me and almost knock me down. Most importantly don't be a loud obnoxious a**hole in a restaurant who can't handle their alcohol.

I seriously doubt that's ever going to happen. I have decided to look at the antibaby people the same way I look at die hard republicans. There's really nothing I can do about it so we might as well learn to coexist. My twelve week old daughter is actually better behaved in a restaurant than most adults. I would personally like to ban people who don't behave appropriately in public lets not single out one group in particular.

The Verdict

Its the train wreck you don't want to watch. The sick part is you want to look a way. I hate to say it but I watched the Anthony trial. To be honest it made me sick. I have to admit my perspective is different now that I am a parent.

All I can say is wow. To me it seemed obvious that bitch is guilty. Cause after all what kind of person could go barhopping when their baby is missing. Honestly what kind of person doesn't report that their baby is missing.

It just breaks my heart that a mother is capable of harming her child. When I look at my baby I melt. I admit there are times when she makes me feel like I am losing my mind. No matter how crazy she makes me... I could never hurt her.

In fact I haven't been interested in barhopping. I guess that means I am a decent mother or at the very least a person that is boring.I just can't imagine wanting to leave lil miss at this point. A night out living it up seems really uninteresting. Don't get me wrong at some point at some point I will have a life again.

I just can't imagine wanting to live without my little girl. I don't even want to put her down. Seriously I'm holding her as I write this and watching her sleep. I look at this sweet sleeping cuddle bug and think how could anyone ever harm their baby.

Apparently there wasn't enough evidence to convict the mother of the year. The hard part is accepting our judicial system. Lets be honest sometimes it sucks and this case it really sucks. If nothing else the prosecution did show us what not to do as a parent.

Today I am angry because an innocent little girl didn't get justice. I am angry that she won't get to conquer the world. It sucks that she was never cherished by her mother the way she was suppose to be. I hate that for her because every child is suppose to be a treasure.

I have decided to look at this as a learning tool. To treasure my princess and to cherish every moment I have with her. Its unfortunate that there are parents that don't get it. I just hope most people would chose a life rediscovering the beauty in the universe with their children over getting wasted with their friends.