One Morning...

I woke up and all the anger I had towards someone was gone. I am not sure why truth be told... I don't care why. Once upon a time I loved someone and big shocker it didn't last. For some reason I resented the fact they weren't truthful with me.

I moved forward the way you are suppose to. After all if you live in the past nothing new will come into your world. If it tries to you will ignore it and miss an amazing chance. The hard part is to let go of the past and to let someone new into your heart.

Even though I have moved on I still felt anger towards this person. Not because of how I was treated when we were together but post breakup. Hard to believe that someone who once told you "I love you" everyday could suddenly treat you the exact opposite.

Everyone handles a breakup differently. Some people push you away. I on the other hand can't do that once someone has a piece of my heart. I wanted to remain friends for some people that is impossible. That is the part that made me angry.

Suddenly that person is having yet another life crisis. Truth be told part of me is annoyed because at some point you want to say seriously get over yourself. Do everyone a favor and start acting like a grown up. Instead they need a favor to get through this chapter of life.

The weird part is I am glad to be able to do it. In fact by doing it I have been able to let go of the resentment I felt. Its the past and I refuse to dwell on it. I finally accept her for who she is. She can't be friends with her exes. I can move forward either way.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason.. sometimes we don't always no why. Just cherish the gift even if it isn't the gift we wanted. I can honestly now say I am glad we happened. I learned that sometimes it isn't meant to be. Most importantly not everyone copes the same way and its ok.

Taking The Leap Of Faith

I am starting to believe isn't always about your love life. In fact sometimes it is about the love affair you have with yourself. More times than not we neglect ourselves. Which is sad because the relationship you have with yourself is the most important one you will ever have.

I don't know why we put other people's desires before our own. We claim its out of love and perhaps it is in the beginning. Unfortunately given enough time we resent that person. What once was down out of love becomes a chore. Loving someone should never be a job.

For the last few months I have been debating on what to do with my life. I worry what other people are going to think instead of following my heart. I resent the fact I am doing what is expected to me. At some point in life you have to live for you.

After all what do I have keeping here. I am single and no one keeping me here. I have amazing friends and family. I just honestly feel like there's something missing.
Instead of acting on this urge I have been worrying about what people will think. To be honest I resent it.

So today I saw Eat Pray Love. I wondered why am I afraid. What do I really have to lose? Nothing really.. all I know is I use to have a great relationship with myself. For some reason I lost it and I need to get me back.

So here's my crazy plan. I hope everyone is sitting down. I am going to rent my house out at the first of the year. I am putting everything I have in storage. Here's the scary part I am cashing in all of my retirement funds.

People are going to say I am nuts. Truth be told they are probably right. After everything is said and done I am packing up my girls and traveling to all the places I have wanted to see in the US. Its always been a dream of mine. Its time to find out who I am.

Who knows maybe I will modify the plan. Maybe I will let fear get in the way. Or who knows maybe I will just take the leap of faith and never look back. Either way its time to start living for me.

The Joys of Fb

I will admit I am a bit of an Fb addict. Although I am about to admit something that may give a few friends a heart attack. I am over Fb and the drama it creates. What was once a social networking site has become flashbacks of junior high for me.

I get that we all need to vent. Here's the deal I don't want to know that you think your significant other and his family are a bunch of babyholes. I don't want to know if you had a gun you would shoot them all. Seriously keep the personal things like that for IMing or texts. Better yet get a blog.

Once you put out your tiffs out there... there's no going back. People are going to take sides. People are going to wonder why you married a jackass. In fact I made the mistake of saying if you are so miserable pack up and dump him. This will cause someone not to talk to you for a while. The good news is I don't have to hear their drama for a while. I have enough of my own to deal with.

I have also recently made the mistake of accepting friend requests from relatives. What was I thinking. I am hoping that my mom had an affair. I just don't want to believe I am genetically linked to some people. They are so not like me.

I am seeing the joys of what our tax dollars have paid for. No wonder people think Americans are dumb. I am related to some of those people. I have never read da instead of the at least fifty times a day until recently. For god sakes if you are over thirty say the. After reading that I have decided my unborn children will probably go to private school now.

Until Fb I had no clue how many self absorbed people I knew. Seriously who likes their own status. I have seen people do it. I am going to assume you like your status since you typed it for the world to see. You don't need to notify your network. I am waiting for someone to click they dislike their status.

I just wish people would remember keep it light. I am honestly at the point where I am going to write a social network etiquette book. I honestly fell most of it is common sense. Little did I realize most people don't have any. P.S. no one wants to know how good your boyfriend is in bed especially his mom. So please take that into account the next time you post something on Fb. There are some images that are hard to get out of your head.

Feast or Famine

Is once how my mom explained dating to me. I was too young to actually know what she was talking about. Little did I know how right she would be. Yet again more advice I ignored.

So recently an ex sent me a text. His basic lets have a reunion because I got dumped and need to use someone to feel better about myself. I did the self respecting thing and declined the offer. Who knew I could do that? I doubt he expected me to.

None the less since his offer I have been bombarded by potential dates. No clue why everyone's radar goes off when one person notices you. Suddenly you look good to everyone.

I even got asked out last night by a guy I met over a month ago. Truth be told I had forgotten I had even given him my number. Right now I am trying to figure out what to do with my new found short term power.

After all you have to be realistic this isn't going to last forever. So you have to use it to your advantage. Right now it is about getting all the free drinks and meals you can. This may sound wrong to some people.

The thing to remember is you don't know when the drought will start. This may be your only chance for a while to land the one. Cause at the end of the day everyone wants to find the person who makes you smile. That someone you love waking up with every morning even if they are cranky. Never waste an opportunity.

What Now

So recently I got the shock of my life.. Big/Addiction walked into my work. He wasn't alone.. he brought his girls with him. I never thought in a thousand years I would meet his daughters.

They were so not what I expected. They were full of energy and joy (spoiled rotten). They had their dad completely wrapped around their little fingers. I saw a side to him I had never seen before. I saw the vulnerable side of him.

He truly loves his girls and they adore him. I am still in shock that I met his girls. Truthfully I never saw it coming. We have always led separate lives. Which is odd considering I have shared every thought and feeling with him.

He knows things about me no one else does. For some reason with him most of my walls are down.Maybe its because I know he will never commit to a life with me. I do know we have a great physical chemistry. When he looks at me.. I know exactly what is going through his head. He isn't use to being told no.

I don't know why I finally got to meet his girls. I have been told this changes everything by friends. I just don't know how yet. So right now I am trying to figure out where to go from here.

Do I finally let someone completely in? At some point everyone has to take the leap of faith. The question is when... do you actually ever know? Maybe you aren't suppose to know. There comes a time when you have to jump and let someone into your heart. I don't ever want to look back and say what if.

Reacting

Time supposedly heals all wounds but sometimes I have to wonder if that is true. Last night I got a message from a friend who told me not to go somewhere because Pandora was there.

I haven't seen her in over a year and to be honest I don't ever want to see her again. For the most part she doesn't exist in my world. I wish I could pretend she never happened.

For months and even still I am different because of her psycho girlfriend. I can finally walk by the spot she assaulted me and not cringe. I no longer hope they both die a painful death. I hope they live a long time and experience karma.

I don't know why I am still angry. I thought I had moved past it. Just thinking about them makes me cry because I think of when i was so vulnerable. Being assaulted changed me. I am no longer carefree . I no longer just let anyone in my heart. I now have walls and assume people will hurt me.

Once upon a time I never believed that. I always try to remain friends with everyone except her. I try to focus on the positive of what she brought in my life. Pandora introduced me to some of my best friends. The people I would be lost without and who held my hand when I was terrified to leave my house.

They got me through that. She got me over the fear of people finding out who I am. P.S. she wasn't the first girl just the first one I owned up to. As I type this I am crying because as much as I thought I was over it. It turns out I am not.

Trust me I don't ever want to see or speak to her again. I just want there to be a day where I don't care where she is. I want to be at a point where I don't think anything at all about her.

My first thought was when I found out someone knew both of us. Great now she will see me as a victim. I do talk about what happened but I never mention their names because they shouldn't matter. WHAT SHOULD MATTER IS I AM STRONGER BECAUSE OF IT.

I am not a victim and never will be. At some point I hope that other people will see that. Everyone tells me that I am strong. I just need to remember that and not let anger take over. If I do then I will be no different than them.

The Number Game

Is probably one of the few games anyone ever plays sober. Unless they are telling a potential partner and then typically you lie. No one wants to date a filthy whore. Your number can tell a lot about you. For those of you who live under a rock... it is the number of people you have had sex with.

I am not disclosing any one's number because that's just rude. I am not telling mine either. After all my mom reads this. I don't even want to hear that lecture.

The crazy thing about this game is you never know how anyone will react. Every once in a while you are shocked to find out your friend is a dirty whore. I know people who are over the two hundred mark. P.S. I am not one of them. The thing to remember is you can't judge anyone.

Last week some friends and I played. I got a whole new reaction. He was pissed that my number was bigger than his. Talk about taking being competitive to a whole new level. I am going to assume it is a male pride thing.

The difference in our numbers is pretty small. I tried to point out that I am thirteen years older. Nothing I said could diffuse the situation. One of my favorite things is dealing with a drunk guy and his ego.

The next morning we were laughing about it. He of course remembered none of it. When we told him what happened... he laughed. His sober reaction was "I hope your number is bigger than mine.. you are older than me." The beauty of sobriety is how different your perspective can be.

Honestly it shouldn't matter what any one's number is. Sometimes its just fun to know your friends are easier than you. Especially after you have woken up with someone you just met. So that at least you can say to yourself "Oh well at least I still have slept with as many people as ___."